Hi everybody! I just want to tell you that I'm still alive ... I feel really tired; I feel strange: sometimes I start crying and sometimes I feel pretty relaxed, sometimes I feel sad and sometimes really happy. I don't understand!

I don't even want to write this post.
The good news is that I finally finished my season at that stupid aquapark!

I wish to talk with somebody ... but not via chat for now; I prefer to read your comments on LJ if have something to tell me; I'd really appreciate you suggestions if you have some.

I had two intense dreams about Diva in these days:
In the first one I was looking for her because I couldn't believe she was gone; it was a rainy day and I discovered that she was with a new family, so I crept into their apartment and I 'stole' her. We went outside and, while running away, I said "I'll never let you go again! You'll be with me again from now on".

In the second one I was walking with her in Tarragona once again; I was so happy, and she looked happy too.
However I knew she was no longer alive, in fact there was a strange guy with us (sombody like 'Agent Smith' from Matrix); I suppose he was an angel or something, because he said "It's time now: we have to go". So I gave him my thanks for letting me spend one last day with Diva, and then I woke up.

After these two dreams I feel happy, because I know she's still with me in my heart and in my mind!

Working has become a torture: I can't keep smiling at people while I'm heartbroken. I'm thinking to lay myself off.
Today I cleaned Diva's pantry and dispensay, I just couldn't believe it; I also recovered her leash ... I can still smell her 'perfume' on it.

I feel her presence moving away a bit more everyday. I can't accept it!
Tomorrow she'll back somehow: her remains will be placed on the best spot I have in my room, but I don't know if I'll be able to see them. I can't think of my sweet joyful puppy as a inert heap of ashes. BTW, everyday at 19:30 I take my walk as always, because I'd feel bad otherwise ... it's painful, but it helps me to feel close to her.

I just hope that Diva is fine now, and I hope she'll wait for me when my time will come.

I can't believe you're gone ... not while you're so close to my heart!
Please Diva, come back!!! I'll be here for you.

Looks like I'm always unable to shed tears in these sad occasions ... but it doesn't mean I'm that cold.
My father took Diva to a special place and asked for new analysis, it turned out that Diva had a malignant tumor (that's what my father told me; I don't know if I can actually believe him, since my lil puppy was always happy even with those problems) and the vet decided to put her to sleep without my agreement.

I'm still shocked and it's hard for me to accept that Diva is gone. I just wish to have been able to give her more love and pay more attention to her; I was kind of absent in these months and I'll never forget how blind I've been. I wish I could hug her one last time.

I met her at the dog pound of Mariano Comense on September 8th and brought her here in Spain on April 8th as well. I'll never forget her beautiful eyes! Goodbye sweetheart! We'll meet again someday.

I feel the need to say it: "Thanks Mom and Dad for everything you did for me! Thank you for giving me all the nice things I have! Thanks!!!"
Recently, with this new computer, I understood that all those images, music, videos I've been accumulating during the latest 4 or 5 years (just like the objects I have inside my room) are the voiceless witness of my immense selfishness and materialism.

I felt like if I was in point to be washed away by own things and behaviour!
Now, I just want to reduce the 'volume' of what I have and then stop storing useless objects ...

PS: If you want to say something about my thoughts, please, feel free to leave any comment; I'd be happy to read your opinion.